I want to change….but I cant…

Why is it so difficult to change? I would like to not judge people but I do…I want to forgive those who hurt me….but I cant…I don’t want to lose my cool…but I do…Its almost as if there is a pre-programmed reaction that becomes action involuntarily.

Yes, my meditation practice helps. I think slowly over a period of time there are changes that happen, but the speed and the quantum of change is at best slow. I struggle with this. I am sure a lot of us do.

Recently I came across a speech by Swami Vivekananda that gave me a valuable hint. This is a talk titled The Importance of Psychology. Here is a paragraph from the talk:

” We are constantly doing things against the better side of our nature, and afterwards we upbraid ourselves for so doing and wonder what we could have been thinking of, how we could do such a thing! Yet again and again we do it, and again and again we suffer for it and upbraid ourselves. At the time, perhaps, we think we desire to do it, but we only desire it because we are forced to desire it. We are forced onward, we are helpless! We are all slaves to our own and to everybody else’s mind; whether we are good or bad, that makes no difference. We are led here and there because we cannot help ourselves. We say we think, we do, etc. It is not so. We think because we have to think. We act because we have to. We are slaves to ourselves and to others. Deep down in our subconscious mind are stored up all the thoughts and acts of the past, not only of this life, but of all other lives we have lived. This great boundless ocean of subjective mind is full of all the thoughts and actions of the past. Each one of these is striving to be recognized, pushing outward for expression, surging, wave after wave, out upon the objective mind, the conscious mind. These thoughts, the stored-up energy, we take for natural desires, talents, etc. It is because we do not realize their true origin. We obey them blindly, unquestioningly; and slavery, the most helpless kind of slavery, is the result; and we call ourselves free. Free! We who cannot for a moment govern our own minds, nay, cannot hold our minds on a subject, focus it on a point to the exclusion of everything else for a moment! Yet we call ourselves free. Think of it! We cannot do as we know we ought to do even for a very short space of time. Some sense-desire will crop up, and immediately we obey it. Our conscience smites us for such weakness, but again and again we do it, we are always doing it. We cannot live up to a high standard of life, try as we will. The ghosts of past thoughts, past lives hold us down. All the misery of the world is caused by this slavery to the senses. Our inability to rise above the sense-life — the striving for physical pleasures, is the cause of all the horrors and miseries in the world.”

This is so true! what an amazing insight. My Guru, Rev Kamlesh Patel has been talking about Consciousness and its evolution quite a lot in the last few months. During his last visit in December, he shared this insight at the Heartfulness Convention:

Consciousness Goal

This brings into perspective the role of Cleaning. When I clean, in a way, I am able to empty the vast ocean of subconscious and free myself of these pre-programmed responses…

I would love to get your thoughts on this…